pouring the "contents" out.

Man this blog have never been ignored for a such long time (last post was 31st Dec 2010 almost 14 months lol) but nevertheless, i've decided to change things up a bit and hopefully by 'pouring' out, i might change a thing or two about how have i've been treating myself for the past couple of months.

For a couple of posts ahead i might be a bit aggressive here and there and for all those who read this (and the posts in the near future), if you find yourself uncomfortable with what i'm writing, please kindly leave this page and just come back when you're comfortable to read it again. please be discreet and don't spread things (or weird stories) around. Don't even bother mentioning it in my face as i'm rather comfortable if the true tales i'm going to put here will just stay here and not be mentioned anywhere else. If anyone wants to know more about me, just redirect them to this blog or post. don't tell them stories, please :)

1st things 1st, I've been going through a lot of phases lately. Most of em are down phases really. This is one of the lowest and deepest part where my life have sunk into (though i'd expect there'll be more deeper place where my life would plunge into in the future).

Throughout my entire 22 years of living in this great place called Earth, my expectations and results were never been this far apart. I've been getting good grades in schools (primary & secondary) and all of my expectations were met. 5As in the UPSR, 8As in the PMR, get to play in the school's hockey team (though i never liked the position i got in the team), 9As in SPM, hell i even got to further my study overseas. By getting all of this big 'Milestones' I'm becoming a lesser hardworking member of society than i used to.

I remember working hard for the UPSR and PMR but for SPM i really doubt i deserved the 9As. to top that off i don't even know how did i get to study here in Egypt. As years passed on I've found myself sunk even deeper into "The Pit".

Let me tell you a bit about "The Pit" in my context. "the pit" is where all the things i thought i would never do (when i was younger because i already knew the consequences if i would) but then somehow i managed to sunk my self neck-deep in this "pit". I'm fairly disappointed with what I've become. I've been putting a 'Mask' up all these year to cover up all of these "muds" and lies. I knew that "Lies" is the beginning of all sins. I've been avoiding people and society so that i would not have to lie on their faces. Every time I lied, I've felt terrible. Miserable to the MAX!. So I chose to avoid society and all the people that i knew including friends and family. The ones that i still talk to, is the one which i can't avoid, and the ones who would look past my "outer" flaws and knows that I'm better at something else.

I've been craving for counseling for the past few years just to get rid of all these lies i've made and just wanted to tell someone the truth. I just wanted to have a stranger to see my perspective on how i manage to live through all these lies i've made and not the people that already know me for who i am. Is it wrong to tell someone, who is not familiar with you, about your ugliest truths and problems, instead of telling it to your bestfriends or family ? I would pretty much guess that most of you who read this would probably judge me by now and to tell you the truth, i don't give a fuck.

Wow this is beginning to sound like a rant than what i thought it would be but at least, it is something. I guess I'll stop here now and continue tomorrow or whenever I felt like ranting again.

Again a quick reminder, please don't tell stories and judge me about what i've wrote so far and if it happens that anyone wanted to read what you've read, just give em the link to this post, it really helps me in so many ways that you would probably do not understand. and last but not least try not to mention anything about what I've wrote here while you're communicating with me either via phone calls, facebook or even while we were just hanging out. I really appreciate it :)

Lucid Dreaming: Day 7

its new year.
damn i'm gonna be 1 year older tomorrow
the best is yet to come.

Dream

accompanied chubby to her apartment. probably finished studying cause i remember she's carrying book. it was cold. hidung suda start buat hal. she gave me some pills. told her i still had some left at home.said goodbye and went back home. found out i had only 2 pills left. almost feel like i wasnt dreaming. and then i woke up.

-------

after i woke up.
checked the pills and i actually had 4 pills left. wow
that was close lol.

END OF DAY 7

Lucid Dreaming: Day 6

final's just around the corner.
fk i need to study~
people laughed.
they like to imagine things.
meh..
let em be.
no big deal.

Dream

i think i went to fathallah. a big one. the size of alexandria's city centre. went there alone late at night around 12 i guess. when i arrived, asyraf was on his way out carrying plastics bags. he was in a hurry. i said hi and he ignored. meh. then saw pangku and ram. pangku was like dissapointed to see me there. np. strolled through the mall. didnt bought anything. most of the shops were closing. went to the food court. saw them again. bought a sandwich and fries. nothing unsual happens. damn.

p/s:this is taking longer than i thought. meh.. i sleep evryday, might as well do it anyway.

END OF DAY 6

Lucid Dreaminng: Day 5

no dream for today.

END OF DAY 5

Lucid Dreaminng: Day 4

as a reminder...
my dreams are not in whatsoever related to anyone in the real life.
mind that.

Dream

i was in a neigbourhood. somehow it does feel like i lived there for sometime. there i was looking down the road. there was mattresses on the long road. different type and colors. somehow the road was like the ones below. red bricks instead of tars.

and i saw a few people were playing football ON the mattresses. then i started to ask myself whats with all the mattresses? i did came up with an answer but i couldn't really recall what was the answer. i was walking with ayoh to a meeting. he was really excited about something but can't recall about what either. at the meeting i was seating beside nas. somehow i fell asleep and my head was on her right shoulder. it was very VERY delightful LOL!. someone woke me up but it wasn't nas who woke me up. then as i recall i was at my grandmother's home and i was with someone. this person reminded me of the incident that i fell asleep on the meeting. i turned to look for the orange shirt i was wearing and i saw spots of dried saliva. my saliva lol. i was really ashamed of that incident and then... i woke up.

Note to Self:
I believe we are going somewhere here. i've managed to ask myself a question, though i cant recall what was the answer that satisfied my curiosity. anyway thats a good start right ?

END OF DAY 4